Flashbacks

Sometimes I have memories that are so vivid that it seems as though they happened 5 minutes ago instead of 13 years ago. They are complete with the same rush of desperation and grief that I am momentarily rendered helpless.

I washed my face with ice cold water to try to shake myself from the memory. And for a moment, I looked into my eyes. I have always liked the little specks of brown upon brown in my eyes, but they looked different to me today. It was almost like they were cloudy. There was a distinct sadness that had settled over my eyes and my face.

It was a pretty good day and a very relaxing evening. Then, I don't know. Just a sudden thought and all of a sudden I was sitting on the floor of a hospital hallway again. Hunched over, I wasn't crying, but I remember the feeling. It was like being sideswiped by an 18-wheeler. Nothing made sense except that nothing was going to make sense.

When Leaha was here during Christmas, we talked about this. We both wonder if it will ever be ok. Most days the memories are so distance and the pain is so dulled, that I'm sure that everything is great. Then, sometimes it's just like being 14 again. It's just like it was then. I feel little again. And helpless.

I really do wonder if it will be like this forever.