When I was in 8th grade, we were given an assignment which asked us to find a song and describe how it was a prayer. My song was Saints Behind the Glass by the Los Lobos.
I was thinking about that today because the memory made me realize that two things have not changed at all.
First, I'm still totally obsessed with the Los Lobos. The music means a lot to me for a lot of different reasons. I think it has helped me through every bad thing that has ever happened in my life. You would think the music would make me sad, and I would avoid it. It does make me sad---it makes me cry a lot of times---but it reminds me of how strong I am. For every bad memory that these songs provoke, I am reminded of the things I've learned and how I have healed. I think the songs have a lot to do with that healing.
Saints does not remind me of anything sad. It reminds of something quite happy actually.
My appreciation for saints--not the statues, but real saints--is one that I cherish because I think saints walk all around us. They are real humans. They just believe a little differently, love a little differently, and react a little differently. They are all the really good people you know. The ones that you think "wow, I don't know how they give so much."
I've watched two saints for all of my life. I've watched them sacrifice for their family, each other, and complete strangers. My parents are absolutely phenomenal people. They make me believe in good in the world. And, they do it quietly every single day.
I've watched every single day, and I've always hoped that I would grow up to be them. I think in some ways, I have. And the fact that they support who I am is even better.
In the song, the saints are "behind the glass." They are in the stained glass windows, watching over us. I don't think saints are in glass. But I do think they're always watching over us, through eyes that we really don't understand.
Saints. Watching over us. Guiding us. Sometimes we don't even know how much they shape us.
Hammer and a nail
Hammer and a nail
Saint behind the glass
Holds a hammer and a nail
Baby in his arms
Baby in his arms
Saint behind the glass
Has a baby in his arms
Watches me sleep
Watches me sleep
Saint behind the glass
Watches me while I sleep
Coffee in the air
Coffee in the air
Saint behind the glass
Smells coffee in the air
Curtains blowing 'round
Curtains blowing 'round
Saint behind the glass
Sees the curtains blowing 'round
Night upon my head
Night upon my head
Saint behind the glass
Lays night upon my head
Mother don't cry
Mother don't cry
Saint behind the glass
Tells mother not to cry
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Who's Feeling Sorry Now?
Who's feeling sorry now?
Just when I thought I knew how
The man with the master plan
Let it all slip through my hands.
I've probably heard this song a hundred times, but for some reason I actually listened to the first verse today. I literally laughed out loud.
Again, another reminder that when we try to gain control over this crazy thing called life the "man with the master plan" changes it up on us!
I've been missing music lately....
Just when I thought I knew how
The man with the master plan
Let it all slip through my hands.
I've probably heard this song a hundred times, but for some reason I actually listened to the first verse today. I literally laughed out loud.
Again, another reminder that when we try to gain control over this crazy thing called life the "man with the master plan" changes it up on us!
I've been missing music lately....
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Peace
For the past two weeks, I've had the same prayer for Christmas. I have prayed that some of the emptiness within me would be filled with love.
In some ways, my prayer was answered. In other ways, this was not a good day.
My family fills my heart to the very brim. Each person makes me absolutely complete in ways they don't understand.
At the same time, I learned of a former student's death. I'm devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. I spent some time on my knees today, sobbing. It is so awful to know the death of a young person with their whole live in front of them.
Also, at the same time, it's hard to know that people I love choose sadness. I want to reach out, but I know I can't.
I feel in some ways a wandering spirit again. I want to turn my heart off to be able to deal with life. But then I think about moments like seeing my entire family sitting around my parents' living room and I know that if I did not feel with such conviction the way that I do, I would not be able to experience such joy.
My heart is so broken in so many different ways. I find consolation in things such amazing people, but I know the scars will be there.
My prayer now? To take the peace I have been given and use it to be stronger and stronger.
In some ways, my prayer was answered. In other ways, this was not a good day.
My family fills my heart to the very brim. Each person makes me absolutely complete in ways they don't understand.
At the same time, I learned of a former student's death. I'm devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. I spent some time on my knees today, sobbing. It is so awful to know the death of a young person with their whole live in front of them.
Also, at the same time, it's hard to know that people I love choose sadness. I want to reach out, but I know I can't.
I feel in some ways a wandering spirit again. I want to turn my heart off to be able to deal with life. But then I think about moments like seeing my entire family sitting around my parents' living room and I know that if I did not feel with such conviction the way that I do, I would not be able to experience such joy.
My heart is so broken in so many different ways. I find consolation in things such amazing people, but I know the scars will be there.
My prayer now? To take the peace I have been given and use it to be stronger and stronger.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Change
I heard something particularly compelling in mass today: that we are always going along just fine with our lives and suddenly something will change it.
It goes against our plans and what we may want, but it always seems to work out.
I think that's exactly the position I'm in right now. Everything has changed---again---and now I'm left to just sort through the pieces and figure out what's next. I suppose deep down I know that everything will change for the better, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the sudden and abrupt change of direction.
Truthfully, it really hurts.
I'm sure one day I will wake up and what's new--this change--will seem normal and will seem like the way it always was. But right now, it's a definite change and it feels a bit unnerving.
I feel as though I'm jumping from one weird idea to another trying to force things to fall into place. I know it's the part of me that just wants to grab control of something---anything.
That's hard on me. I feel as though I have always rebounded from things out of my control, even handled them quite well. I just feel as though there are always lasting effects that I won't even understand until five, six, ten years down the road. And, as always, I'd like to know now!
Marianne and I used to talk about this: No plan is God's plan. I think that's where this all fell apart over the past year. It started being MY plan. And it evaporated in a very painful way. So, now I'm left to deal with the remnants of that plan and the remnants of something that was making me quite happy.
So, here I sit. Trying to let go of the old plan and grasp onto nothing.
It's not easy.
It goes against our plans and what we may want, but it always seems to work out.
I think that's exactly the position I'm in right now. Everything has changed---again---and now I'm left to just sort through the pieces and figure out what's next. I suppose deep down I know that everything will change for the better, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the sudden and abrupt change of direction.
Truthfully, it really hurts.
I'm sure one day I will wake up and what's new--this change--will seem normal and will seem like the way it always was. But right now, it's a definite change and it feels a bit unnerving.
I feel as though I'm jumping from one weird idea to another trying to force things to fall into place. I know it's the part of me that just wants to grab control of something---anything.
That's hard on me. I feel as though I have always rebounded from things out of my control, even handled them quite well. I just feel as though there are always lasting effects that I won't even understand until five, six, ten years down the road. And, as always, I'd like to know now!
Marianne and I used to talk about this: No plan is God's plan. I think that's where this all fell apart over the past year. It started being MY plan. And it evaporated in a very painful way. So, now I'm left to deal with the remnants of that plan and the remnants of something that was making me quite happy.
So, here I sit. Trying to let go of the old plan and grasp onto nothing.
It's not easy.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
The Origin
Me: Mom, do you remember the Los Lobos song "Gila Bend"?
My Mom: No, what's it about?
Me: Well, kind of about running away. Remember the guy (David Hidalgo) told the story about knowing how he was almost home when he got to Gila?
Mom: Oh, where is it?
Me: Well, here's the funny thing...it's in New Mexico. Yesterday there was a story in the New York Times about the caves there and how you can hike in them. AND it's pretty close to where [my aunt] lives.
Mom: So, let me guess. That's where you want to go now?
Me: (laughing) Yup! How did you know?
Mom: You and your father. You both just love the desert....
My Mom: No, what's it about?
Me: Well, kind of about running away. Remember the guy (David Hidalgo) told the story about knowing how he was almost home when he got to Gila?
Mom: Oh, where is it?
Me: Well, here's the funny thing...it's in New Mexico. Yesterday there was a story in the New York Times about the caves there and how you can hike in them. AND it's pretty close to where [my aunt] lives.
Mom: So, let me guess. That's where you want to go now?
Me: (laughing) Yup! How did you know?
Mom: You and your father. You both just love the desert....
Friday, December 12, 2008
Putting the Pieces Together
Piece #1
This card arrived in the mail yesterday. It was actually a "work" Christmas card. I send thousands of these, but you never know what someone needs to see. All I know is that I opened the envelope and was nearly giddy. I have an intense fascination with the desert. There is something distinctly compelling about the desert to me. At times in my life, it was a symbol of isolation. I obsessed with dreams of walking through the desert alone. The dreams occurred night after night for months on end for years of my life. I struggled with meaning until one night, in my dream, I reached the end of the desert into a garden.
Deserts are beautiful to me. I don't see barren. I see life in the midst of seemingly unbearable conditions. What could be more beautiful than that? Such is the story of the human soul--life in the midst of a veritable wasteland of physical pain, mental suffering.
Christmas in the desert is my life story. It's the ultimate symbol of life and joy in something that I have such an intense fascination with.
Piece #2
Walking a Dream of Desolation
This morning I received this story on my Twitter feed. Gila has a special significance to me (in Piece #3) and I was overjoyed to read this as I have a plan of heading back to New Mexico in the spring. I looked up the Gila national park and found that there are lush forests along with the caves. It is something that I know inside of me. Intense beauty.
Piece #3
The Los Lobos are performing at the House of Blues tonight. For a variety of reasons, I am not there. Instead, I have The Town & The City playing tonight. I forgot about "The Road to Gila Bend."
Made Nogales over night
through the desert in yellow light
missing everything I left behind
Will they see me coming ?
Do they know I'm running?
Gila Bend is one of the saddest songs on this album and one of my favorites. A twisted tale of the need to work to live and the desire to be ALIVE in this world The Town & The City is one of the most compelling stories of the human condition in this modern world. An intricate story of life and love and cities and deserts and people and responsibility and struggle, it speaks so eloquently to following your dreams.
Piece #4
On the Feast Day of Our Lady, I think back to the semi-novena I have prayed over the past two weeks. Even though my disconnect with public celebrations was very apparent, this was an especially meaningful day for me.It is particularly compelling because the roses appeared in a desolate place.
This is my desert dream. Welcome.
This card arrived in the mail yesterday. It was actually a "work" Christmas card. I send thousands of these, but you never know what someone needs to see. All I know is that I opened the envelope and was nearly giddy. I have an intense fascination with the desert. There is something distinctly compelling about the desert to me. At times in my life, it was a symbol of isolation. I obsessed with dreams of walking through the desert alone. The dreams occurred night after night for months on end for years of my life. I struggled with meaning until one night, in my dream, I reached the end of the desert into a garden.
Deserts are beautiful to me. I don't see barren. I see life in the midst of seemingly unbearable conditions. What could be more beautiful than that? Such is the story of the human soul--life in the midst of a veritable wasteland of physical pain, mental suffering.
Christmas in the desert is my life story. It's the ultimate symbol of life and joy in something that I have such an intense fascination with.
Piece #2
Walking a Dream of Desolation
This morning I received this story on my Twitter feed. Gila has a special significance to me (in Piece #3) and I was overjoyed to read this as I have a plan of heading back to New Mexico in the spring. I looked up the Gila national park and found that there are lush forests along with the caves. It is something that I know inside of me. Intense beauty.
Piece #3
The Los Lobos are performing at the House of Blues tonight. For a variety of reasons, I am not there. Instead, I have The Town & The City playing tonight. I forgot about "The Road to Gila Bend."
Made Nogales over night
through the desert in yellow light
missing everything I left behind
Will they see me coming ?
Do they know I'm running?
Gila Bend is one of the saddest songs on this album and one of my favorites. A twisted tale of the need to work to live and the desire to be ALIVE in this world The Town & The City is one of the most compelling stories of the human condition in this modern world. An intricate story of life and love and cities and deserts and people and responsibility and struggle, it speaks so eloquently to following your dreams.
Piece #4
On the Feast Day of Our Lady, I think back to the semi-novena I have prayed over the past two weeks. Even though my disconnect with public celebrations was very apparent, this was an especially meaningful day for me.It is particularly compelling because the roses appeared in a desolate place. This is my desert dream. Welcome.
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