Peace

For the past two weeks, I've had the same prayer for Christmas. I have prayed that some of the emptiness within me would be filled with love.

In some ways, my prayer was answered. In other ways, this was not a good day.

My family fills my heart to the very brim. Each person makes me absolutely complete in ways they don't understand.

At the same time, I learned of a former student's death. I'm devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. I spent some time on my knees today, sobbing. It is so awful to know the death of a young person with their whole live in front of them.

Also, at the same time, it's hard to know that people I love choose sadness. I want to reach out, but I know I can't.

I feel in some ways a wandering spirit again. I want to turn my heart off to be able to deal with life. But then I think about moments like seeing my entire family sitting around my parents' living room and I know that if I did not feel with such conviction the way that I do, I would not be able to experience such joy.

My heart is so broken in so many different ways. I find consolation in things such amazing people, but I know the scars will be there.

My prayer now? To take the peace I have been given and use it to be stronger and stronger.