Change

I heard something particularly compelling in mass today: that we are always going along just fine with our lives and suddenly something will change it.

It goes against our plans and what we may want, but it always seems to work out.

I think that's exactly the position I'm in right now. Everything has changed---again---and now I'm left to just sort through the pieces and figure out what's next. I suppose deep down I know that everything will change for the better, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the sudden and abrupt change of direction.

Truthfully, it really hurts.

I'm sure one day I will wake up and what's new--this change--will seem normal and will seem like the way it always was. But right now, it's a definite change and it feels a bit unnerving.

I feel as though I'm jumping from one weird idea to another trying to force things to fall into place. I know it's the part of me that just wants to grab control of something---anything.

That's hard on me. I feel as though I have always rebounded from things out of my control, even handled them quite well. I just feel as though there are always lasting effects that I won't even understand until five, six, ten years down the road. And, as always, I'd like to know now!

Marianne and I used to talk about this: No plan is God's plan. I think that's where this all fell apart over the past year. It started being MY plan. And it evaporated in a very painful way. So, now I'm left to deal with the remnants of that plan and the remnants of something that was making me quite happy.

So, here I sit. Trying to let go of the old plan and grasp onto nothing.

It's not easy.