first, last & best friends

I say it often, but I feel that it's necessary: I love my brothers more than life itself.

It could be because I'm the oldest or the only girl (well, until my beautiful sister married into our family), but they are absolutely, completely amazing. I love every moment that I spend with them, and I always feel that I walk away a better person because of them. I always say that I'm grateful to my parents for allowing us to have the relationship that we do. It's never been me and them, boys vs. girl. Never. Just us.

I was thinking about this today because the little one and I went out to see "Sindarin" wrestle. Our brother is a semi-pro wrestler. He amazes me. I'm proud of the way that he's gone after his dream and how hard he works for it.

It was funny tonight though because I had difficult with it. At one point I had to completely turn around and there were tears in my eyes because it's really hard for me to see my little brother get thrown around a ring, especially by someone who is so much bigger than him. But he turned it around and I ended up on my feet, screaming for him. I know it had to be quite a spectacle.

I also thought about how protective I am. There was genuine anger rising up inside me as some random guy in the stands was cheering against my brother. I said to the little one that I wanted to get someone to beat him up. I say that jokingly, of course, but it made me think about how angry I get when anyone says or does anything to hurt my brothers, and there have been plenty of experiences like that in my life time.

I think that I sometimes tend to believe that this tie, this relationship, is unique to me and each of the boys individually, but really it's not, When we were all back at my parents house, I listened to the two boys talk in the other room. They were going over Sindarin's fight and what the little one thought were the strengths and weaknesses. It was nice to hear. I know they have plenty of opportunity to fight, and they do from time to time. Arguments only. It's nice to know that they're friends first.

I read and loved an article in Time a year or so ago about how siblings are the closest human relationships that exist. So true. So very true. And I am deeply appreciative of the ones that I have.

Trust

For someone who has struggled with trust issues for my entire life, the past six months have been somewhat trying. It is very hard for me to fathom lying to someone's face---repeatedly. I feel sometimes that I allow myself to be a doormat, but truly, truly I don't care. I just wish sometimes that I could be left alone to run around the desert.

When I get to do that, I feel a little more whole and a lot more sane....

Flashbacks

Sometimes I have memories that are so vivid that it seems as though they happened 5 minutes ago instead of 13 years ago. They are complete with the same rush of desperation and grief that I am momentarily rendered helpless.

I washed my face with ice cold water to try to shake myself from the memory. And for a moment, I looked into my eyes. I have always liked the little specks of brown upon brown in my eyes, but they looked different to me today. It was almost like they were cloudy. There was a distinct sadness that had settled over my eyes and my face.

It was a pretty good day and a very relaxing evening. Then, I don't know. Just a sudden thought and all of a sudden I was sitting on the floor of a hospital hallway again. Hunched over, I wasn't crying, but I remember the feeling. It was like being sideswiped by an 18-wheeler. Nothing made sense except that nothing was going to make sense.

When Leaha was here during Christmas, we talked about this. We both wonder if it will ever be ok. Most days the memories are so distance and the pain is so dulled, that I'm sure that everything is great. Then, sometimes it's just like being 14 again. It's just like it was then. I feel little again. And helpless.

I really do wonder if it will be like this forever.

Haunting

Part of my fixation with the desert is that it haunts me. It comes up again and again, whether I force it to consciously or unconsciously.

Today's haunting is not the desert.

It's a person.

So I used to work with this guy when I taught. I hate to put someone else's life up on the internet, but....well, he left the high school after he finished his dissertation to go to India to find the meaning of life I believe. Then he moved to South Africa to run an AIDs clinic. And now he works at a clinic in Boyle Heights.

That's all fine and dandy. Really. It has no bearing on my life as I have only heard these stories secondhand along the way as I have stayed in the Verb loop.

Then, on New Year's eve I ran into him at Ralph's. The two weekends ago I saw him walking up Temple. And today, I saw him at church and he came and sat next to me.

I don't know what this is about other than I find it slightly eerie. Not him himself, just the chance meetings. It's almost like he has a message for me....I don't know if I can take this right now.....

And back to my desert prayers.

Saints Behind the Glass

When I was in 8th grade, we were given an assignment which asked us to find a song and describe how it was a prayer. My song was Saints Behind the Glass by the Los Lobos.

I was thinking about that today because the memory made me realize that two things have not changed at all.

First, I'm still totally obsessed with the Los Lobos. The music means a lot to me for a lot of different reasons. I think it has helped me through every bad thing that has ever happened in my life. You would think the music would make me sad, and I would avoid it. It does make me sad---it makes me cry a lot of times---but it reminds me of how strong I am. For every bad memory that these songs provoke, I am reminded of the things I've learned and how I have healed. I think the songs have a lot to do with that healing.

Saints does not remind me of anything sad. It reminds of something quite happy actually.

My appreciation for saints--not the statues, but real saints--is one that I cherish because I think saints walk all around us. They are real humans. They just believe a little differently, love a little differently, and react a little differently. They are all the really good people you know. The ones that you think "wow, I don't know how they give so much."

I've watched two saints for all of my life. I've watched them sacrifice for their family, each other, and complete strangers. My parents are absolutely phenomenal people. They make me believe in good in the world. And, they do it quietly every single day.

I've watched every single day, and I've always hoped that I would grow up to be them. I think in some ways, I have. And the fact that they support who I am is even better.

In the song, the saints are "behind the glass." They are in the stained glass windows, watching over us. I don't think saints are in glass. But I do think they're always watching over us, through eyes that we really don't understand.

Saints. Watching over us. Guiding us. Sometimes we don't even know how much they shape us.

Hammer and a nail
Hammer and a nail
Saint behind the glass
Holds a hammer and a nail

Baby in his arms
Baby in his arms
Saint behind the glass
Has a baby in his arms

Watches me sleep
Watches me sleep
Saint behind the glass
Watches me while I sleep

Coffee in the air
Coffee in the air
Saint behind the glass
Smells coffee in the air

Curtains blowing 'round
Curtains blowing 'round
Saint behind the glass
Sees the curtains blowing 'round

Night upon my head
Night upon my head
Saint behind the glass
Lays night upon my head

Mother don't cry
Mother don't cry
Saint behind the glass
Tells mother not to cry

Who's Feeling Sorry Now?

Who's feeling sorry now?
Just when I thought I knew how
The man with the master plan
Let it all slip through my hands.

I've probably heard this song a hundred times, but for some reason I actually listened to the first verse today. I literally laughed out loud.

Again, another reminder that when we try to gain control over this crazy thing called life the "man with the master plan" changes it up on us!

I've been missing music lately....

Peace

For the past two weeks, I've had the same prayer for Christmas. I have prayed that some of the emptiness within me would be filled with love.

In some ways, my prayer was answered. In other ways, this was not a good day.

My family fills my heart to the very brim. Each person makes me absolutely complete in ways they don't understand.

At the same time, I learned of a former student's death. I'm devastated. Absolutely heartbroken. I spent some time on my knees today, sobbing. It is so awful to know the death of a young person with their whole live in front of them.

Also, at the same time, it's hard to know that people I love choose sadness. I want to reach out, but I know I can't.

I feel in some ways a wandering spirit again. I want to turn my heart off to be able to deal with life. But then I think about moments like seeing my entire family sitting around my parents' living room and I know that if I did not feel with such conviction the way that I do, I would not be able to experience such joy.

My heart is so broken in so many different ways. I find consolation in things such amazing people, but I know the scars will be there.

My prayer now? To take the peace I have been given and use it to be stronger and stronger.